tokens from the almost-abandoned mall in south carolina

1. a window display with a skirt, shirt, and Sixteen Candles poster, deflated balloons scattering the bottom. This is not connected to a store. There is no event posted. Your friend will not notice the display.
2. stains on the escalator that you will tell yourself are from cranberries. It may be cherries, or perhaps even an avocado. You aren't great at identifying stains. You should work on that.
3. an empty fountain. There is dust where there should be water droplets, and a cricket jumps into the pumps. 
4. wait, did that window display just move? 
5.  no. That's just Jeremy. Say hello! 
6.  a small, realistic car that you suspect would run if it had either gas or legs. 
7. a single Bluefin Tuna. Watch your back.

The 10 People You Will See in a Coffee Shop this August

1. A man wearing a velvet purple coat despite the heat. He will tell you that Ira Glass and he got into a fight once. You won't believe him until he shows you his microphone-shaped scar on his neck with the letters "TAL" branded into the side.
2. A kid wearing only a baby blue baseball cap and a pair of grinch boxers. He will only sing Justin Bieber's Despacito, which the barista will interpret as a grande mocha latte with extra skim milk. The barista is correct.
3. Someone will be talking about the birds. They will be listening.
4. Your friendly street mime who does not find it funny that you come up to him and pretend to be in a box. He separates his work from his life and does not appreciate you blurring those lines. You should stop that. Like, for real. Boxes aren't even shaped like that, dude.
5. The person who inexplicably carries around the movie Up in their purse. They won't elaborate when you ask why. They have never seen Up. They do not ask, however what is Up. They are aware.
6. The barista with a beard that covers the entire lower half of his face. You suspect he doesn't have a mouth. You probably should not ask. You need to learn ASL.
7. Someone on a computer furiously typing, as though working on an important email. She is not working on an important email. She is working on an important blog post for her four faithful readers for the first time in a year. She recommends the lemon blueberry scone. 
8. The local star of an indie movie who is VERY THANKFUL no one is ambushing him with requests for signatures or photos. Really, usually tons of people come up to him. This break from fame is great. Really great. Yes. Really unexpected that everyone is playing it so cool.
9. Four people wearing teal. This will feel significant. You won't know why until mid-September.
10. The glitter enthusiast. Take her cue. Remember next time to bring your glitter. Maybe mix it in with your face wash. And shampoo. And lotion. This will protect you from Ira. 

how long has it been?

Consider: not being afraid.

So I haven't been blogging in ages, for a multitude of reasons. Partially cause I was afraid of being critiqued for the sole idea of having a blog, and for the writing contained on it, etc etc etc. But this is a blog: this is bird shat. It's not about literature, it's not about edited writing. A teacher once said that blogging requires egotism. But listen, so does anything on the internet, right? You have to believe that what you have is worth reading, even a personal humor blog named after bird poo.

So this is my way of saying bird shat is back. It's small, it's cozy, it's egotistical, but it's back.

backpfeifengesicht and other things that apply to you

backpfeifengesicht: literally means "a face that needs a fist in it." (pronounced back-pf-eye-fen-ge-zeesht)

there you go. your new insult. use it wisely.

some other suggested insults:

1) you're like f. scott fizgerald's screenplays. unknown and unnecessary.
2) your voice sounds like yoda with pneumonia.
3) you are a pumpkin on november 1
4) you tacky bulletin board.
5) you off-brand cheerio
6) you're about as famous as bobby frost
7) are you feeling okay? because i'm not. not after seeing your face.
8) you're that chair that even the cat won't sit on.
9) you broken cassette tape in an attic covered in sawdust and cat piss
10) are you corn? because you need to shut your mouth and consider your ears.

don't have a face that needs a fist in it. until next time.

reasons the world isn't so bad

people doing nice things. glue sticks. mugs of chamomile tea. watching your roommate drink chamomile tea for the first time and shivering because it's a) burning hot and b) it's chamomile. seasonal drinks. nonseasonal drinks. david sedaris. susan orlean. meghan daum. people. empty libraries. full libraries. wonderful librarians that are probably actually the child of a deity. mrs d, who somehow knows how everyone is doing any time of the day. e-readers. paperbacks. hardbacks. book releases. socks. consider the socks, really. socks are so great. thank your socks today. witty comics. dumb comics that make you laugh anyway. videos that make you think. videos that don't make you think. walking. sitting. nutella. peanut butter unless you are allergic. stories. history. linguistics and how poem and history are the same word in german. joke books. siblings who are basically joke books. sisters. support. being happy. crocheting. volunteering. sleeping. doing something. doing nothing. existing. sitting on the steps outside your house when someone you love sits next to you, says, "it's okay. it's okay. it's okay."

it's raining it's pouring

the old man is snoring
he went to bed, bumped his head
and didn't get up in the morning

sure, tell me all you want that the 1950s were a happy time. that's about when this nursery rhyme is first recorded as being told as it is. it probably came from the united kingdom, but origins aren't exactly set.

 it might actually be a mother goose nursery rhyme that isn't about a king or a plague or execution or whatever. the internet is vastly unhelpful here. some suggest that the old man is a metaphor for a god, but i'm not sure what that implies. that it's raining because god is snoring? is it raining snot? i don't understand.

some renditions of the song say "wouldn't" rather than "couldn't." so it's a song about the aftermath of medical situations.

here's a fun one: it's actually about war. there we go! in another version, it's plural, the old men are snoring. oliver cromwell's invasions and campaign was fought in very rainy weather, and many people were executed. in welsh, the word "bedd" means grave. if you didn't die hanging (snoring is a sound that apparently people may make as they choke for air) you'd be hit in the head while sleeping to have your skull crushed in... bumped his head.

enjoy the rainy season.

this post has bean coming

Pythagoras had a fear of beans. Like, he was terrified of beans. He believed they had the capacity to hold souls, and it would be wrong to eat or disturb souls. (He also didn't eat meat) This included prohibiting even the touching of beans, or looking at them for too long. The way he was eventually murdered even had beans play a role in it. His assassins lit the house he was staying at on fire, and chased him out towards a bean field. When Pythagoras realized that they were bean stalks that he was observing, he said, "I would rather die than go in there!" and was then killed.

Some answers to the question of why:

1) Gastronomical problems. A gross theory, but the reasoning behind the idea of beans containing souls stems from the flatulence caused by legumes. The souls are supposedly contained in the gas. Perhaps Pythagoras had more than the usual amounts of gas.

2) It was a requirement to form his cult. Pythagoras had a cult-like following of people who believed the same ideas about beans and other strange followings. At the time, you had to have perhaps one ridiculous practice in order to be a cult leader.

3) There's actually no known word for the fear of beans specifically. While there are names for the fear of youths (Ephebophobia) and the fear of being tickled by feathers (Pteronophobia) there is no bean phobia. Some suggest legumaphobia, but others say that is too broad. There are support websites for people who are afraid of beans and -- whether real or not -- they present some strange characters. 

4) Perhaps there's some kind of hallucinatory aspect to beans -- since there are still people who think beans are out to kill them, it might still be around. In the way that you shouldn't eat certain berries because of the threat of hallucinagens (or death) maybe beans trigger this response in the descendants of Pythagoras.

5) Look, some people don't want to eat their vegetables. Why eat protein from beans when you can eat protein from cows? (note: Pythagoras was a vegetarian. I don't know how he survived)

6) BEAN is 2 + 5 + 1 + 19 which = 27. 27 is only divisible by 9 and 3. 9 minus 3 is 6. Eating beans is practically praising 666.

7) A childhood tale turned wrong: Pythagoras was told as a child a story about a bean family in order to teach him about kindness. He associated eating beans to eating kindness.

(This is also an adaptation of a post from my old blog. I didn't change much of anything in this one.)