how to get a prom date

foolproof methods way after prom is over for most people:

1) go to sleep. but in a tower. preferably in some woods. if you can, get a dragon to sit outside. someone'll come. and if they don't, well, you get a nice nap.

2) shoot an arrow randomly. if it lands next to a frog, it's probably a princess/prince in disguise. go ahead and bring this to prom.

3) announce that you shall not go on a date with someone who cannot run faster than you. it's a win-win situation. if you don't get a date, you just say it's because no one could run faster than you.

4) go to ebay. or craig's list. if you're feeling indulgent, try amazon.

5) lose a shoe on someone's doorsteps. conveniently put your number on the bottom so that whoever finds it doesn't actually have to explore the city and find someone else who has the same shoe size.

6) carry around a dress or suit. when asked about it, shrug and say, "they were just here a moment ago."

7) bring a cat or dog. if you are pulled to the side and told "no pets," be offended. tell security that you won't stand for your date being insulted as such. you won't actually have a date, but you'll have a companion.

Coming soon:

an actual real blog post. just so you know this isn't dead. one is coming. when you least expect it. or most expect it. i don't really know.

exam season

ha. ha ha ha. exams. yeah, what a joke. 

oh wait nevermind. i thought you said ixion. bad hearing. ixion was a king sent to hell by zeus for trying to seduce hera. pretty exciting. but not an exam. 

one of meriam webster's definitions of examination is a "formal interrogation." we are all being interrogated. this is actually their way of finding out who started the whole "global warming is real" scam and the "blueberries are real" crap and "wait no really both of those are true" stuff. yeah there's the secret. it's all a conspiracy. so what you should do to get a 5 on your ap exams and a 100 on other exams are the following: 

1) write 6666666666666666 across the entire page. if they don't give you a five, they know the devil is coming for them.

2) "i am the illuminati." yeah, and who tells the illuminati that their knowledge on 18th century triangular trade is inadequate? no one, that's right. 

3) bring a red pen. scribble over the entire answer sheet with it. bubble in your name in the appropriate bubbles. 

and some reminders for test day: 

1) do not bring electronics to the exam, including but not limited to cell phones, pagers, stopwatches, photographing devices, brains, computers, children, beepers, historians, clones, or any other electronic devices.

2) eat a good hearty protein-filled meal before the exam. don't eat vegan. they typically have very little meat on their bones. 

3) get a good nights rest. steal everyone else's rest. stop at no costs. horde the good nights rests. 

4) bring a #2 pencil. also bring a #3 pencil to throw to deflect your enemies. 

do these, and you'll get a perfect score on everything!*

*no guaruntees. please do not sue me if you do take any of this advice and get arrested. really don't take this advice. or do take it and throw it at everyone you know. the curve would be tremendous. 

the devil was a farmer

you've probably heard that vikings didn't actually wear the horned helmets. some history teacher has probably ruined that for you. and if they haven't, i just did. i'm sorry. you are welcome. 

they were portrayed with the helmets by christians in the areas they attacked. they were pagans, and thus associated with the devil -- and if you are doing an artistic interpretation of someone running to attack you, you might see horns too. 

but not only did they not wear horned hats, they were also primarily -- get this -- farmers. that's right. good old country people. until vikings were fifteen, they worked on the family farm. at that point, fighting lessons etc would begin. but they weren't told from birth "okay lad now go kill brother jimmy." children were seen as vital to surviving -- y'know, you need a worker, just make one. 

you don't need to believe that. you can believe they wore horned helmets and trained children from the age of two to hold an axe. you can believe that every viking child's first words were "i killed my brother." go for that. you can believe that these historical records are just wrong. maybe they are. we don't know for sure. ever, really. you can believe whatever you want, but it doesn't mean it's true. 

superstition and salt

ohmygod you just spilled salt quick spill it again but this time spill it over your shoulder it'll just disappear no one will have to sweep it up or anything quick bad luck bad luck bad luck phew thank god you threw more salt, i was going to kill your dog if you didn't do that.

oh and if you throw it over your right shoulder you're doubly cursed so now throw two more handfuls over your right shoulder. this is strange since normally god hates left handers, but apparently their shoulders are fine.

some people think that this myth came from da vinci's painting, "the last supper." if you look really closely, you'll not only see a symbol of the illuminati, but also that judas has knocked over the salt with his elbow. god, judus don't you know the first step to a bad reputation is spilling the salt and not even putting the salt shaker upright.

okay, scratch what i said earlier about maybe god being cool with left handers. the reason you throw the salt over your shoulder is because the devil is behind your left shoulder waiting for you. it'll blind him and he won't be able to eat you or curse you or whatever he was going to do anyway. try not throwing it over your shoulder. see what happens. maybe the devil just wants to be your friend.

also he gets blinded a lot.

german tradition says that if a guest spills salt they are probably murderers or thieves. so you should probably kill them now. (don't sue me if you do)

salt, dude. salt.

hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia

according to wikipedia, this is the fear of the number 666. i think someone just typed in hex three times and phobia and let their cat fill in the rest. it's better than hexhexhexphobia. that just sounds stupid. hexakosiohexekontahexaphobia doesn't. try saying that out loud once. i dare you. if you can do that try it twice.

but why. why why why. six is a friendly enough number. sixty six means you've lived a while. but 666 means that your neighbor is probably the devil and why do you even live there anyway.
as is with many things, it's biblical. the reasoning for it is partially one of those "if you take this letter and that letter from this word and multiply it by four and add thirty seven, which is an age that this person once was, you get this number OH MY GOD IT'S SATAN." so there's that.

but i don't think it's really considered a devil's thing anymore. sure, he's got a monopoly on it, but what doesn't he have a monopoly. it's more of how we perceive it, though. like, if you told me you were born on june 6 2006, i'd ask you why you were talking to me because you are like eight. i probably wouldn't pick up on the fact that the kid's birthday is 666. (note: even better would be june 6, 1966) but as soon as someone mentions it, i have them down in my book as a devil child. (i'm going to disregard the fact that i consider most people devil children at some point or another, with few exceptions) if you tell me you were born at 6:66 i'll put you in my book as a demon and a moron.
and if you live at the address of 666 cloud road i'll assume you are just disguising yourself. i don't care what the number says, it's not the 14th floor. you can change it all you want, but it's not the 14th floor.

i'm scared enough of numbers like 84 in school and 10% acceptance rate and 39 because why is that a prime number and 18 because it means i'm legally an adult and 2015 and 1848 and all in all i don't need another number to fear.

on children's shows

i was babysitting a toddler the other day and because we are wasteful, the television was on pretty much the whole time. also because i couldn't find the remote. (i know, i know, i could've turned it off by the side of the tv. shut up.)

it was on nick junior or disney junior or whatever. one of those kids channels that seem to be training children to speak to the tv box. and the only time i've seen a kid answer is when they are trying to show off to me that they know the answer. even toddlers dismiss dora's sing-along.

advertising, though: apparently there are seasons for children's shows. and as a commercial, bubble guppies (okay this show is like mermaids but more creepy in a childish way) did a music video. p-p-pencil case. as in a parody of lady gaga. 

the result was strange.

http://youtu.be/53MRkIYP6kU

children's shows are weird.