how to get a prom date

foolproof methods way after prom is over for most people:

1) go to sleep. but in a tower. preferably in some woods. if you can, get a dragon to sit outside. someone'll come. and if they don't, well, you get a nice nap.

2) shoot an arrow randomly. if it lands next to a frog, it's probably a princess/prince in disguise. go ahead and bring this to prom.

3) announce that you shall not go on a date with someone who cannot run faster than you. it's a win-win situation. if you don't get a date, you just say it's because no one could run faster than you.

4) go to ebay. or craig's list. if you're feeling indulgent, try amazon.

5) lose a shoe on someone's doorsteps. conveniently put your number on the bottom so that whoever finds it doesn't actually have to explore the city and find someone else who has the same shoe size.

6) carry around a dress or suit. when asked about it, shrug and say, "they were just here a moment ago."

7) bring a cat or dog. if you are pulled to the side and told "no pets," be offended. tell security that you won't stand for your date being insulted as such. you won't actually have a date, but you'll have a companion.

Coming soon:

an actual real blog post. just so you know this isn't dead. one is coming. when you least expect it. or most expect it. i don't really know.

exam season

ha. ha ha ha. exams. yeah, what a joke. 

oh wait nevermind. i thought you said ixion. bad hearing. ixion was a king sent to hell by zeus for trying to seduce hera. pretty exciting. but not an exam. 

one of meriam webster's definitions of examination is a "formal interrogation." we are all being interrogated. this is actually their way of finding out who started the whole "global warming is real" scam and the "blueberries are real" crap and "wait no really both of those are true" stuff. yeah there's the secret. it's all a conspiracy. so what you should do to get a 5 on your ap exams and a 100 on other exams are the following: 

1) write 6666666666666666 across the entire page. if they don't give you a five, they know the devil is coming for them.

2) "i am the illuminati." yeah, and who tells the illuminati that their knowledge on 18th century triangular trade is inadequate? no one, that's right. 

3) bring a red pen. scribble over the entire answer sheet with it. bubble in your name in the appropriate bubbles. 

and some reminders for test day: 

1) do not bring electronics to the exam, including but not limited to cell phones, pagers, stopwatches, photographing devices, brains, computers, children, beepers, historians, clones, or any other electronic devices.

2) eat a good hearty protein-filled meal before the exam. don't eat vegan. they typically have very little meat on their bones. 

3) get a good nights rest. steal everyone else's rest. stop at no costs. horde the good nights rests. 

4) bring a #2 pencil. also bring a #3 pencil to throw to deflect your enemies. 

do these, and you'll get a perfect score on everything!*

*no guaruntees. please do not sue me if you do take any of this advice and get arrested. really don't take this advice. or do take it and throw it at everyone you know. the curve would be tremendous.