this post has bean coming

Pythagoras had a fear of beans. Like, he was terrified of beans. He believed they had the capacity to hold souls, and it would be wrong to eat or disturb souls. (He also didn't eat meat) This included prohibiting even the touching of beans, or looking at them for too long. The way he was eventually murdered even had beans play a role in it. His assassins lit the house he was staying at on fire, and chased him out towards a bean field. When Pythagoras realized that they were bean stalks that he was observing, he said, "I would rather die than go in there!" and was then killed.

Some answers to the question of why:

1) Gastronomical problems. A gross theory, but the reasoning behind the idea of beans containing souls stems from the flatulence caused by legumes. The souls are supposedly contained in the gas. Perhaps Pythagoras had more than the usual amounts of gas.

2) It was a requirement to form his cult. Pythagoras had a cult-like following of people who believed the same ideas about beans and other strange followings. At the time, you had to have perhaps one ridiculous practice in order to be a cult leader.

3) There's actually no known word for the fear of beans specifically. While there are names for the fear of youths (Ephebophobia) and the fear of being tickled by feathers (Pteronophobia) there is no bean phobia. Some suggest legumaphobia, but others say that is too broad. There are support websites for people who are afraid of beans and -- whether real or not -- they present some strange characters. 

4) Perhaps there's some kind of hallucinatory aspect to beans -- since there are still people who think beans are out to kill them, it might still be around. In the way that you shouldn't eat certain berries because of the threat of hallucinagens (or death) maybe beans trigger this response in the descendants of Pythagoras.

5) Look, some people don't want to eat their vegetables. Why eat protein from beans when you can eat protein from cows? (note: Pythagoras was a vegetarian. I don't know how he survived)

6) BEAN is 2 + 5 + 1 + 19 which = 27. 27 is only divisible by 9 and 3. 9 minus 3 is 6. Eating beans is practically praising 666.

7) A childhood tale turned wrong: Pythagoras was told as a child a story about a bean family in order to teach him about kindness. He associated eating beans to eating kindness.

(This is also an adaptation of a post from my old blog. I didn't change much of anything in this one.)

open letter to people of the airport

so yes. i know. you are important. very important. so important that i probably don't even understand how important you are. nevertheless, please don't stop in the middle of the walkway to yell at your mother.

you are consistent, i'll give you that. when put together, the cries of children, voices of business people, and clunks of suitcases turns into a kind of white noise. i could even call it musical, were i one to listen to only kazoos and think them perfect music. if that's the case, let me know and i'll send you a recording.

a brief listing of the people you contain: the woman wearing flower print shorts, a tank top, and a floppy hat running back and forth across the terminal lifting her bag up and down. the kid convinced the seats in the airport are the actual airplanes. that one possibly famous person wearing both sunglasses and a baseball cap. the person who you think you may have once seen before, but who might actually just be a doppleganger of your great aunt janice's third husband's daughter.

now, there's nothing wrong with holding strange people. your problem is your addiction. it can't be controlled. there are too many factors. really, delays are not healthy for you. this is an intervention letter. the delays need to stop. just start changing the weather or human circumstance. whatever you need to do.

i'm not a super platinum gold frequent flyer first class free puppy club member, so i'll be sitting in the regular seats, so you can be sure to lean the seat in front of me all the way back so a book can hardly fit in my lap. this said, internet and computer room aren't exactly prime either here. this post will be ending soon.

but really, now. think about what i said about your delay problem. think about it? okay? good.

history: tricks up its sleeve since 96 A.D.

(the following is an adaptation of a blog post from a history blog i did a while ago)

So Domitian, an ancient roman emperor, predicted his own death. Yeah, I know, I know, you can't predict the future and can't change the past. History says otherwise. Here are the basics: according to astrological signs, he was going to die before noon. But around eleven a servant told him it was passed noon, so he figured he was safe. After that, an assassin came in with a knife concealed in a bandage on his arm, and stabbed Domitian. The assassination was secret at the time. There are no records until one one hundred years after it happened. (Suetonius's Account if you want to read it)

So how did people know? I've come up with a list of possible ways people knew. 

1) A script from a failed tragedy.

MAN:  “… then that one guy died and it was great. Yeah. Ha. I guess you had to be there.”

DOMITIAN: “Probably.”

MAN: “So did you see that new brand of Apollo sandals? Really snazzy.”

DOMITIAN: “I think I saw that.”

MAN: “I hear you get half off robes when you buy a pair from some pleb on Juno Street.”

DOMITIAN: “Nice deal.”

MAN: “So what kind of fermented grapes do you enjoy the most?”

DOMITIAN: “Look, dude, I don’t mean to be rude, but today's not the day for conversation. You see, astrology says I'm going to die before noon, and even though it's past noon, I don't want to take any chances.”

MAN: “Oh, sure, no problem. But could you sign my bandage first?”

DOMITIAN: “Sure. You got a quill?”

MAN: “Of course, right here. And oh look at what's underneath my bandage.”

DOMITIAN: “Wait, that looks like a dag--”

DOMITIAN is stabbed, falls to the ground. 

2)      *click* we discover that tape recorders have been around all along

3)    A newspaper article. 

“RULER OUTWITTED BY PLEBEIAN: FALLS FOR CLASSIC ‘LOOK AT THAT’ TRICK.”

“RULER FINDS THAT SERVANT HAS SOMETHING UP HIS SLEEVE”

4) Diary entry from Domitian. 
       "Dear diary, I think I'm going to be killed before noon. That's what the stars say anyway. Dom." 
       "Dear diary, A servant just told me it's past noon. Weird that the sun doesn't look that way, but it looks like  I'm safe!" 
         "Dear diary, This one guy from the court is in my room now. I told him I was finishing some documents. He    keeps scratching his arm where a bandage is. It's probably fine. Dom."

your regular birds hat blog posts will continue shortly.

open letter to bunk note writers

my dearest writers-of-bunk-notes,

i don't believe there's a confidentiality notice for notes written on bunk beds. maybe there is. maybe it's you consider yourself some kind of artist. but i'm just gonna say i think you should get your story straight.  "my friend was killed on this bunk," i'm gonna guess that if someone was killed by a strange person in the woods, they would have at least replaced the bunk. also, why are you telling me and not your counselor? maybe edit it to be "my friend had a really bad ant bite while on this bunk and it became a jellybean and started controlling her body and took over." that i might believe. and on that same bunk: "joe jonas was here." and why is joe jonas at a girl scout camp? it's not the year three-thousand, and no one's great great great granddaughter needs to be checked on. mostly i'm just concerned there.

another gem: "addison is watching you. i am dead." is addison dead? or is a friendly ghost just letting me know that there is a person named addison sleeping outside my window watching me? how does she hold a pen? and why is that written on the bottom bunk? i'm no expert, but i suspect that a ghost might be more comfortable on the top bunk, considering the whole levitation issue. i know what you're saying: "not all ghosts..." but the levitation thing does seem like a constant in the world of spiritual creatures.

perhaps i'm being a bit harsh. after all, you do say later that "mommy and hunter love me!!!!"so you've got that going for you.

good luck with your bunk notes. i'm sure all of the people sanding them off really appreciate it.